self worth

It’s hard, this adulting thing.

While I’ve reached a sort of ‘inner peace’ in the not job hunting, I still am battling what I see in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I see someone who is a failure at life and a huge ‘I didn’t think this is where I would be at this point in my life’ (hence the failure thing). I’m trying to do better at comparing myself to my friends and peers when it comes to where I am professionally and personally. I am trying to be happy for my friends who can afford to go traipsing off to far flung places that, in all honestly, I’ll never get to.

I am getting better at being an adult around the house, and not being the lazy bum that I think I am and that I think my husband thinks that I am.

But there are still days that I look in the mirror and all I SEE is an overweight, mid middle aged girl who cannot get her shit together.

I have a roof over my head, we are debt free and we’re able to at least put food on the table and (barely) pay rent.

I’m not drinking as much, so, yay? I’m trying to find other ways to cope. I am behind on my reading (I had given myself a goal of reading 50 books for this year. I’ve read 6), because when I have some free time, I tend to fire up the PS2 and kill monsters. I do try to read at least an hour a day, but there are definitely days of late where I haven’t even done that.

I’m trying not to stress out about the fact that our rent will probably hit 1k when our lease is up for renewal later this year. We have yet to have the WHERE THE FUCK DO WE MOVE TO talk like we agreed to have when we realized we would hit this point.

I really need to start at least walking more. I do try to move around at the book store and I’d like to think that once baseball season starts up that that will allow me to walk more. Although in all fairness, it’s been a chilly spring and it’s no fun walking when you are still having to spend ten extra minutes getting bundled up just to fucking leave the house.

I still have the pipe dream of starting my own business. and I need to make more of an effort of 1) updating this blog more often and 2) just writing in general more often.

Really the only thing that hasn’t changed is that the cat still hogs the bed.

 

next up

Along with working on this jealously issue, I need to work on taking care of ME.

My self worth is still floating around in the lake, but I think I saved it from drowning. I hope.

I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, especially from the POV of, say a customer coming into the bookstore.

I see a late middle aged, overweight female who has gotten stupid lazy about keeping the grey hairs away. And I then see FAILURE. LOSER. FAT. STUPID.

Need to work on that. I just don’t know where to start.

I need to accept that this might be “it” for me in regards to my professional life. Still swallowing that pill….very bitter.

I do have a few things to look forward to in the coming months. My boys from Ireland are playing two shows in mid May. And I’ll be doing my yearly trek to the city of my birth in September to stuff my face with ALL THE SEAFOOD.

I just have to keep telling myself One Day At A Time. Baby steps.

Easier said than done.

i have spent….

my entire life wanting to ‘fit in’.

I tell myself that at this stage of my life, why should it matter, why should I give a fuck (when usually I go with the ‘zero fucks to give’ mentality).

But even now, little things still sting. I hate that left out feeling. I try to keep in touch with friends I’ve made from past jobs but then when I get radio silence when I try to reach out and plan something and then I see pictures on the book of face or other social media, a bunch of those same people having a grand old time at some bar or restaurant, I can’t help but feel the urge to hit something. Fuck, what am I, chopped liver?

It makes me hesitant to make new friends or to reach out again to people. It makes me very hesitant to trust anyone. It probably doesn’t help that my two closest female friends live over a thousand miles away. Texting, email and face time can only do so much.

(I swore I would make this current version of my off and on again blog less whiny but I also am determined to write about what is on my mind at any given moment.)

It’s currently wine thirty, so. On to other things.

Goals for this blog? I want to write about whatever is on my mind. Since WordPress has that app, I can fire off a post from my phone. That’s a nifty thing.

I want to keep track of the books I read next year. Since I’m currently working part time at a bookstore, I have NO excuse to not read more. (And more reasons to use the Evil Employee Discount.)

(Currently reading Ken Follett’s new one, A Column of Fire.)

I will probably do a post tomorrow along the lines of my year in 2017. Which, in all honesty, will be similar to everyone else’s. (Shitty. If you live in the US and you didn’t vote for the thing, yeah)