self worth

It’s hard, this adulting thing.

While I’ve reached a sort of ‘inner peace’ in the not job hunting, I still am battling what I see in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I see someone who is a failure at life and a huge ‘I didn’t think this is where I would be at this point in my life’ (hence the failure thing). I’m trying to do better at comparing myself to my friends and peers when it comes to where I am professionally and personally. I am trying to be happy for my friends who can afford to go traipsing off to far flung places that, in all honestly, I’ll never get to.

I am getting better at being an adult around the house, and not being the lazy bum that I think I am and that I think my husband thinks that I am.

But there are still days that I look in the mirror and all I SEE is an overweight, mid middle aged girl who cannot get her shit together.

I have a roof over my head, we are debt free and we’re able to at least put food on the table and (barely) pay rent.

I’m not drinking as much, so, yay? I’m trying to find other ways to cope. I am behind on my reading (I had given myself a goal of reading 50 books for this year. I’ve read 6), because when I have some free time, I tend to fire up the PS2 and kill monsters. I do try to read at least an hour a day, but there are definitely days of late where I haven’t even done that.

I’m trying not to stress out about the fact that our rent will probably hit 1k when our lease is up for renewal later this year. We have yet to have the WHERE THE FUCK DO WE MOVE TO talk like we agreed to have when we realized we would hit this point.

I really need to start at least walking more. I do try to move around at the book store and I’d like to think that once baseball season starts up that that will allow me to walk more. Although in all fairness, it’s been a chilly spring and it’s no fun walking when you are still having to spend ten extra minutes getting bundled up just to fucking leave the house.

I still have the pipe dream of starting my own business. and I need to make more of an effort of 1) updating this blog more often and 2) just writing in general more often.

Really the only thing that hasn’t changed is that the cat still hogs the bed.

 

the truth about that being an adult thing

I’ve never been one for setting goals for myself lately. Mainly because in recent years, I’ve had any such things be tossed into the deep end of Lake Michigan for a slow drowning death.

But there are definitely things that I need to change in my life, things on a personal and a professional level.

I just don’t know where to begin.

I thought I was doing all the right things in regards to job hunting and finding a full time job, but of late, that seems to be one of the things drowning.

I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that for various reasons, I probably ever won’t work full time again. It’s been a bitter pill. And returning to retail, even on a part time basis was a bigger, more bitter pill. I think I’m still swallowing that one.

I can joke all I want that I’m ‘retiring’ early and purposely working part time. (I’m not since I’m not collecting SS)  But something in regards to my professional life needs to change.

I know what I’d LIKE to DO. But that requires a couple of grand (to be safe, really, more like four or five k) that I don’t have, nor am I likely to see anytime soon. Unless I’m willing to cash out my 401k. And I’m not.

I also need to shed about 50 pounds. It’s fucking beyond scary how quickly it found me. Most of it within the last two years. It’s not like I was all WTF where did this come from. Two plus years of job hunting, stress from job hunting, the shit show clusterfuck dumpsterfire election of last year and the current shit show clusterfuck dumpsterfire that’s going on in DC has pretty much led me to a level of drinking I haven’t seen since I was in college.

Which if I was still in my early 20s, my body would be all, ‘oh yeah, honey, we can do this’. But here I am at 51, on the tail end of the ‘change of life’ and said body is now all ‘BITCH YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME’.

I’ve tried WW and briefly Atkins. Both have their pros and cons. If nothing else, both have made me very aware of what I put in my mouth. I am an avid food label reader. I stopped drinking pop and eating fast food years ago. I watch my sugar and salt intake.

I don’t exercise, which I know I should do.

And finally I know I need to be better at pulling my weight around the house in regards to general ‘shit that needs to be done’.

Why is adulting so fucking hard?