Along with working on this jealously issue, I need to work on taking care of ME.
My self worth is still floating around in the lake, but I think I saved it from drowning. I hope.
I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, especially from the POV of, say a customer coming into the bookstore.
I see a late middle aged, overweight female who has gotten stupid lazy about keeping the grey hairs away. And I then see FAILURE. LOSER. FAT. STUPID.
Need to work on that. I just don’t know where to start.
I need to accept that this might be “it” for me in regards to my professional life. Still swallowing that pill….very bitter.
I do have a few things to look forward to in the coming months. My boys from Ireland are playing two shows in mid May. And I’ll be doing my yearly trek to the city of my birth in September to stuff my face with ALL THE SEAFOOD.
I just have to keep telling myself One Day At A Time. Baby steps.
Easier said than done.
The other day I deleted all the job apps from my phone, all job related bookmarks, and all but my most up to date resume from the laptop.
I have to make the best of what I’ve been given and continue to just take one day at a time. I need to not let this stress eat away at me the way it has.
I’m tired of having a dream two or three times of week where I’m not able to do something or go somewhere. (It’s not a reoccurring dream, but each dream has the same ‘plot’ – something petty keeps me from doing something or going somewhere. It has been as easy as trying to get from one room to another.)
This not being able to find a full time job has taken a huge toll on my mental and physical health and it’s affected my marriage.
While my self worth is still drowning, maybe I have a chance to throw it a buoy for it to float on for a while.
There are so many things that I have to process now, but I hope that this is a small step in a somewhat right direction.
It’s all I can think about.
What is my fate? What am I supposed to DO?
No, really. What in fuck’s name am I going to DO.
I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t find a full time job again. And I’ve pretty much come to terms that I’m destined to work menial jobs. And that I’ll be working well past when I should be able to retire.
I really tried to escape from retail. Now here I am, at it again and the irony? I actually really like this job and I hope the company keeps me on a permanent basis. The location means I don’t have to deal with the shits in a mall environment nor do I have to deal with the shits downtown.
And since I’m a reader and it’s a bookstore, well, duh, most of the customers are there because they are readers as well.
But it’s still retail.
I tried so fucking hard. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I thought outside of the box. I searched outside of the box.
I guess it wasn’t enough.