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Along with working on this jealously issue, I need to work on taking care of ME.

My self worth is still floating around in the lake, but I think I saved it from drowning. I hope.

I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, especially from the POV of, say a customer coming into the bookstore.

I see a late middle aged, overweight female who has gotten stupid lazy about keeping the grey hairs away. And I then see FAILURE. LOSER. FAT. STUPID.

Need to work on that. I just don’t know where to start.

I need to accept that this might be “it” for me in regards to my professional life. Still swallowing that pill….very bitter.

I do have a few things to look forward to in the coming months. My boys from Ireland are playing two shows in mid May. And I’ll be doing my yearly trek to the city of my birth in September to stuff my face with ALL THE SEAFOOD.

I just have to keep telling myself One Day At A Time. Baby steps.

Easier said than done.

I have just been reminded again that life is way too fucking short.

It used to be that I wanted to climb the retail ladder because I wanted the money, I wanted the responsibility, I wanted, to a certain extent the ‘glory’ that came with being a store manager or even a district manager.

I was so young and stupid then.

Life has a way of happening and often rudely gets in the way of your goals and plans. But in hindsight it might have been for the better.

Working in America comes with a price. We are trained from our first day of work that all that matters is BEING THE BEST. GOING TO THE TOP IS ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU MUST SACRIFICE EVERYTHING. YOU WILL BE LOOKED DOWN ON IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IT YOUR ALL ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME.

I had an epiphany so to speak a few years ago. In a nine month time frame, I had three women my age pass away (breast cancer, diabetes, stroke) and it made me really re examine my priorities in my personal and professional life.

I’ve paid for it to a certain extent professionally. I’ve made lateral moves since then and have been questioned on my choices. But I’ve held my head high and have never regretted my career path.

I stopped regretting when I turned 40. I stopped giving a fuck. I do what I want now. I play by my rules as much as I can.