letting it go

The other day I deleted all the job apps from my phone, all job related bookmarks, and all but my most up to date resume from the laptop.

It’s time.

I have to make the best of what I’ve been given and continue to just take one day at a time. I need to not let this stress eat away at me the way it has.

I’m tired of having a dream two or three times of week where I’m not able to do something or go somewhere. (It’s not a reoccurring dream, but each dream has the same ‘plot’ – something petty keeps me from doing something or going somewhere. It has been as easy as trying to get from one room to another.)

This not being able to find a full time job has taken a huge toll on my mental and physical health and it’s affected my marriage.

While my self worth is still drowning, maybe I have a chance to throw it a buoy for it to float on for a while.

There are so many things that I have to process now, but I hope that this is a small step in a somewhat right direction.

my lot in life

It’s all I can think about.

What is my fate? What am I supposed to DO?

No, really. What in fuck’s name am I going to DO.

I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t find a full time job again. And I’ve pretty much come to terms that I’m destined to work menial jobs. And that I’ll be working well past when I should be able to retire.

I really tried to escape from retail. Now here I am, at it again and the irony? I actually really like this job and I hope the company keeps me on a permanent basis. The location means I don’t have to deal with the shits in a mall environment nor do I have to deal with the shits downtown.

And since I’m a reader and it’s a bookstore, well, duh, most of the customers are there because they are readers as well.

But it’s still retail.

I tried so fucking hard. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I thought outside of the box. I searched outside of the box.

I guess it wasn’t enough.

the truth about that being an adult thing

I’ve never been one for setting goals for myself lately. Mainly because in recent years, I’ve had any such things be tossed into the deep end of Lake Michigan for a slow drowning death.

But there are definitely things that I need to change in my life, things on a personal and a professional level.

I just don’t know where to begin.

I thought I was doing all the right things in regards to job hunting and finding a full time job, but of late, that seems to be one of the things drowning.

I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that for various reasons, I probably ever won’t work full time again. It’s been a bitter pill. And returning to retail, even on a part time basis was a bigger, more bitter pill. I think I’m still swallowing that one.

I can joke all I want that I’m ‘retiring’ early and purposely working part time. (I’m not since I’m not collecting SS)  But something in regards to my professional life needs to change.

I know what I’d LIKE to DO. But that requires a couple of grand (to be safe, really, more like four or five k) that I don’t have, nor am I likely to see anytime soon. Unless I’m willing to cash out my 401k. And I’m not.

I also need to shed about 50 pounds. It’s fucking beyond scary how quickly it found me. Most of it within the last two years. It’s not like I was all WTF where did this come from. Two plus years of job hunting, stress from job hunting, the shit show clusterfuck dumpsterfire election of last year and the current shit show clusterfuck dumpsterfire that’s going on in DC has pretty much led me to a level of drinking I haven’t seen since I was in college.

Which if I was still in my early 20s, my body would be all, ‘oh yeah, honey, we can do this’. But here I am at 51, on the tail end of the ‘change of life’ and said body is now all ‘BITCH YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME’.

I’ve tried WW and briefly Atkins. Both have their pros and cons. If nothing else, both have made me very aware of what I put in my mouth. I am an avid food label reader. I stopped drinking pop and eating fast food years ago. I watch my sugar and salt intake.

I don’t exercise, which I know I should do.

And finally I know I need to be better at pulling my weight around the house in regards to general ‘shit that needs to be done’.

Why is adulting so fucking hard?