self worth

It’s hard, this adulting thing.

While I’ve reached a sort of ‘inner peace’ in the not job hunting, I still am battling what I see in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I see someone who is a failure at life and a huge ‘I didn’t think this is where I would be at this point in my life’ (hence the failure thing). I’m trying to do better at comparing myself to my friends and peers when it comes to where I am professionally and personally. I am trying to be happy for my friends who can afford to go traipsing off to far flung places that, in all honestly, I’ll never get to.

I am getting better at being an adult around the house, and not being the lazy bum that I think I am and that I think my husband thinks that I am.

But there are still days that I look in the mirror and all I SEE is an overweight, mid middle aged girl who cannot get her shit together.

I have a roof over my head, we are debt free and we’re able to at least put food on the table and (barely) pay rent.

I’m not drinking as much, so, yay? I’m trying to find other ways to cope. I am behind on my reading (I had given myself a goal of reading 50 books for this year. I’ve read 6), because when I have some free time, I tend to fire up the PS2 and kill monsters. I do try to read at least an hour a day, but there are definitely days of late where I haven’t even done that.

I’m trying not to stress out about the fact that our rent will probably hit 1k when our lease is up for renewal later this year. We have yet to have the WHERE THE FUCK DO WE MOVE TO talk like we agreed to have when we realized we would hit this point.

I really need to start at least walking more. I do try to move around at the book store and I’d like to think that once baseball season starts up that that will allow me to walk more. Although in all fairness, it’s been a chilly spring and it’s no fun walking when you are still having to spend ten extra minutes getting bundled up just to fucking leave the house.

I still have the pipe dream of starting my own business. and I need to make more of an effort of 1) updating this blog more often and 2) just writing in general more often.

Really the only thing that hasn’t changed is that the cat still hogs the bed.

 

next up

Along with working on this jealously issue, I need to work on taking care of ME.

My self worth is still floating around in the lake, but I think I saved it from drowning. I hope.

I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, especially from the POV of, say a customer coming into the bookstore.

I see a late middle aged, overweight female who has gotten stupid lazy about keeping the grey hairs away. And I then see FAILURE. LOSER. FAT. STUPID.

Need to work on that. I just don’t know where to start.

I need to accept that this might be “it” for me in regards to my professional life. Still swallowing that pill….very bitter.

I do have a few things to look forward to in the coming months. My boys from Ireland are playing two shows in mid May. And I’ll be doing my yearly trek to the city of my birth in September to stuff my face with ALL THE SEAFOOD.

I just have to keep telling myself One Day At A Time. Baby steps.

Easier said than done.

still here

You’d think that if I actually bothered to fucking pony up the money to keep a blog that I’d, oh, you know….update. Right?

Ha.

Life and that silly adulting thing has such an annoying habit of getting In. The Way.

I stopped actively job hunting in January and I can honestly say, Best. Thing. Ever. in recent times that I have chosen to DO.

No more silly dreams, no more stress. Just me and my silly little bookstore gig and starting next month, I’ll also be working home games for that Northside favorite team.

I’ve really reached the point where if a job lands in my lap, I’ll grab it and run and if it doesn’t, oh well.

It’s not worth the mental, and physical stress and it sure as shit is not worth the toll it was taking on my marriage.

So.

In other news, I keep on buying cookbooks at work. Fucking Evil Employee Discount. And I seem to be coming home with other random books as well. To the point where my husband said we’d have to start weeding books.

 

WAIT. WHAT.

I gave our paperbacks a good once over and told him that the ones that he would never read (Game of Thrones, and the Cave Man porn series – really, if you have to ask, for shame. You should know of who I speak And a few other random books) because I can put said books on my Kindle Fire (let’s ignore the fact that I work for the one remaining bookstore chain in the country and Amazon are their direct competition (but hey, I got the Fire for stupid cheap long before I started working for said store)….wait where was I?

Oh, so, yeah, I can put said books on the Fire. So now I’ve got this ass long list of books to read.

So many books. So little time.

he had me at Pilars

I’m currently reading Ken Follett’s “A Column of Fire”. It’s the third book in what’s now apparently known as the Kingsbridge series. Which isn’t really a series so much as three books are set in the same fictional town of England.

Ages ago, a college room mate had to read “Pilars of the Earth” for an advanced history class. She raved about it. I was already familiar with his work, as my dad was a WWII vet and had read (at the time) the books he was probably known best for – “The Key to Rebecca” and “Eye of the Needle”. I’d read those, but really WWII mysteries really weren’t my thing so I was all ‘huh’ when said room  mate told me I had to read this book.

Reading it, you get a really good history lesson in 12th century England. He has always had an interest in the Gothic churches that were built back then and basically wrote a story around that and all the political stuff that was going on at the time.

I was hooked. Pilars has become a book that I tend to re read every couple of years and I still get something out of it. A few years ago, he finally wrote a sequel, “World Without End” that takes place about 200 years later. What’s interesting is the main characters from this book are the direct descendants from Pilars. It was good, and has been worth reading again.

When I started working at the book store back in October, I noticed a new book of his, the aforementioned Column of Fire. Reading the inner sleeve, I realized this was another story, set in the mid 16th century, again in the fictional town of Kingsbridge.

It’s good so far, and again, I’m getting a good history lesson about everything that was going on in England and France at that time. So far, though, it seems none of the main characters are related to characters from the previous books (not a big deal, just thought that was kinda neat).

On another note, ‘Pilars’ was made into a mini series a few years ago.

If you love the book as much as I do, save your time. Really. I couldn’t even finish watching.

 

i have spent….

my entire life wanting to ‘fit in’.

I tell myself that at this stage of my life, why should it matter, why should I give a fuck (when usually I go with the ‘zero fucks to give’ mentality).

But even now, little things still sting. I hate that left out feeling. I try to keep in touch with friends I’ve made from past jobs but then when I get radio silence when I try to reach out and plan something and then I see pictures on the book of face or other social media, a bunch of those same people having a grand old time at some bar or restaurant, I can’t help but feel the urge to hit something. Fuck, what am I, chopped liver?

It makes me hesitant to make new friends or to reach out again to people. It makes me very hesitant to trust anyone. It probably doesn’t help that my two closest female friends live over a thousand miles away. Texting, email and face time can only do so much.

(I swore I would make this current version of my off and on again blog less whiny but I also am determined to write about what is on my mind at any given moment.)

It’s currently wine thirty, so. On to other things.

Goals for this blog? I want to write about whatever is on my mind. Since WordPress has that app, I can fire off a post from my phone. That’s a nifty thing.

I want to keep track of the books I read next year. Since I’m currently working part time at a bookstore, I have NO excuse to not read more. (And more reasons to use the Evil Employee Discount.)

(Currently reading Ken Follett’s new one, A Column of Fire.)

I will probably do a post tomorrow along the lines of my year in 2017. Which, in all honesty, will be similar to everyone else’s. (Shitty. If you live in the US and you didn’t vote for the thing, yeah)