self worth

It’s hard, this adulting thing.

While I’ve reached a sort of ‘inner peace’ in the not job hunting, I still am battling what I see in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I see someone who is a failure at life and a huge ‘I didn’t think this is where I would be at this point in my life’ (hence the failure thing). I’m trying to do better at comparing myself to my friends and peers when it comes to where I am professionally and personally. I am trying to be happy for my friends who can afford to go traipsing off to far flung places that, in all honestly, I’ll never get to.

I am getting better at being an adult around the house, and not being the lazy bum that I think I am and that I think my husband thinks that I am.

But there are still days that I look in the mirror and all I SEE is an overweight, mid middle aged girl who cannot get her shit together.

I have a roof over my head, we are debt free and we’re able to at least put food on the table and (barely) pay rent.

I’m not drinking as much, so, yay? I’m trying to find other ways to cope. I am behind on my reading (I had given myself a goal of reading 50 books for this year. I’ve read 6), because when I have some free time, I tend to fire up the PS2 and kill monsters. I do try to read at least an hour a day, but there are definitely days of late where I haven’t even done that.

I’m trying not to stress out about the fact that our rent will probably hit 1k when our lease is up for renewal later this year. We have yet to have the WHERE THE FUCK DO WE MOVE TO talk like we agreed to have when we realized we would hit this point.

I really need to start at least walking more. I do try to move around at the book store and I’d like to think that once baseball season starts up that that will allow me to walk more. Although in all fairness, it’s been a chilly spring and it’s no fun walking when you are still having to spend ten extra minutes getting bundled up just to fucking leave the house.

I still have the pipe dream of starting my own business. and I need to make more of an effort of 1) updating this blog more often and 2) just writing in general more often.

Really the only thing that hasn’t changed is that the cat still hogs the bed.

 

avoiding adulting

My husband found an old PS2 game at a thrift store the other day and picked it up, knowing he could re sell it on eBay for 3 times what he paid for it.

So naturally he dug out the PS2 to make sure the game worked. It worked fine. I was more excited that the PS2 itself still works.

Which means I’ve been replaying a game that I haven’t played in over two years and I’m surprised how much I remember.

I have always loved (most of) the Final Fantasy series of games. From the old days of the pixel games, FF6 is probably my favorite. And from the more recent, FF12 hands down, I can play over and over. FF12 is pretty much considered PS’s swan song. I loved it immediately because it didn’t have a sappy whiny lead character nor did it have a sappy love story. It’s very dark and political.

So yeah, total reverting to a teenager on my days off replaying this game. Time suckage at it’s best.